Zechs' Colony (Or: WYSGACM Dried Wheat)
by Shini Eternal
Summary: Zech ingests some dried wheat... which can grow LSD mold.... and gets a little happy. He then decides to go out looking for his colony... if only he had one!
1. Zechs' Colony I

ZECHS' COLONY

AKA WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE A CRAZY MAN DRIED WHEAT

The year is After Colony 198.Just when you thought all was well in the Earth Sphere Unified Nation, one man cannot find his colony.He will talk to gas station attendants, llamas, insane priestesses, and his little sister's teddy bear to find out where it is… and so, our story begins…

"Off my colony!"

"This is L2! This ain't your colony!" Yelled Shini.

Zechs looked confused, then wandered away.Shini shook her head. 

_What is that man on?_ She wondered.

Noin ran up to where Shini was standing.She looked worried, and Shini was just about to ask what was wrong when suddenly Noin started to speak."Shini! Have you seen Zechs?!"

Shini raised a finger and pointed in the direction he had gone off in."He went looking for his colony."

"But… he doesn't HAVE a colony!" Stuttered Noin.

Shini shrugged, and said, "I guess that's why he's looking for it."Before she could make an apology for her sarcasm, Noin cut her off again."I'm sorry.He ate some dried wheat and it's made him very… happy."

"Kitto OK." Shini said, patting Noin on the shoulder."I understand."  
Noin ran off in the direction of Zechs as Wufei came up to bother Shini.

"Why is the honorable Zechs wandering around like a bird with a powerful flap but no justice?" He looked confused.

"He's looking for his colony." Replied Shini.

"Why? Honor?" Asked Wufei.(According to Wufei, everything must be done for honor)

"Because he ate dried wheat." 

"Huh? Justice?"

Shini felt it was her duty to explain."Dried wheat, when not harvested and stored properly, grows a mold that contains the same chemical components as the drug LSD.It's why people in ancient Europe hallucinated so much."

"Okay. Nataku. Onna.Justice.Honor." Wufei walked away mumbling to himself.

"Have you seen my colony?"

"No, señor pelo. ¿Quires un poco de trigo secasle?" Said the llama.

(No, Mister Hair.Do you want some dried wheat?)

Zechs, in a pathetic and rather silly attempt to locate his colony, was currently engaged in conversation with a llama.Since Zechs knew apporoximately four words of Spanish, and the llama four words of English, they were not terribly successful in breaking down the language barrier. 

"Uh… ¿sí?" Zechs stammered.

The llama motioned to it's feed tray.

Now, when people do stupid things, such as ingest enough dried wheat to exhibit the symptoms of LSD poisoning, it is relatively safe to assume that they will do _other _stupid things.It is also relatively safe to assume that the first stupid thing (i.e. ingesting unsafe amounts of dried wheat) will lead to a second, even _stupider_, stupid thing. Such as, for example, accepting a gift of dried wheat from a llama.

_What is that man on? _Thought the llama.

"What do you MEAN, 'he's gone'?!" Shouted the voice on the other end of the phone line. 

Noin felt like she was going to die."Miss Relena, he took off looking for… after he ate…" Although Relena couldn't see it, Noin was beginning to become very red in the face with embarrassment. 

"Looking for what? After he ate what?"

Feeling like she was going to have a breakdown, Noin started to explain.

"As you know by now, the terraforming project uses hybrid-tritocayle wheat on Mars.Out shipment was rapidly losing mass and your brother--"

Relena's voice cut her off."I have a meeting in fifteen minutes and after that I am playing tennis with Mariemaea.I would like to know what has happened to my brother."

Noin took a deep breath."Yes.He ate the wheat, which was actually LSD, and is now wandering around the countryside looking for his colony."

"He doesn't have a colony!" Squawked Relena.

"I know that." Noin said weakly.

Relena hung up the phone.

_What is that man on?_ Thought Relena.

"Excuse me.I was wondering if you could help me look for my colony."

The gas station man looked up."Do you need a map?"

"That would be helpful."

"Are you sure you're lost?"

"I am very lost.I cannot find my colony."

The man took off his hat and scratched his head."You're on Earth."

"I need to find my colony."

"The colonies are in outer space."

"How do I get to outer space? Do you have a map?"

The man looked at Zechs for a very long time. "Do you have a name?"

"I'm not sure. I think it might be Millarido Marquis.On the other hand, it might be Zechs Peacecraft.I can't find my colony. It bothers me."

The man slowly printed a picture out of his computer.The picture was of Millardo Peacecraft.

The man in front of him was Millardo Peacecraft.

_What is that\ man on? _Thought the gas station attendant."You go down the road and stop at the next building you see.

"The big shiny one?" Asked Zechs.

"Yes.Ask for someone named Relena."

"Who is she?" Zechs wondered aloud.

"She's a… very special person.Just ask her about your colony and you'll be _just fine_."

Zechs looked at the doorbell of Relena's mansion for about five minutes.

Then he shrugged and opened the door himself.

Noin was happily pacing back and forth in the foyer.She's received a call from a man working at a gas station twenty minutes down the road about how Zechs was wandering this way.

"Do I know you?" He asked. 

"Zechs!" Noin cried. "Great! You're back!"

"Are you Relena? Do you know where my colony is?"

Noin's expression collapsed."I'm not Relena. She is."Noin pointed to a very pissed off Relena standing in the doorway.She was standing next to a glass case that held the teddy bear Heero had given her. 

Zechs, completely oblivious to Relena, squatted down and asked the teddy bear, "Are you Relena? Do you know where I can find my colony?"

Out of his sight, Noin fell back against the wall and sunk toward the ground. 

"I am Relena." Relena said."The teddy bear's name is Heero.After Heero.And no, he does not know where your colony is since you do not belong to a colony."

"I…don't…?" Asked Zechs.

Noin buried her head in her hands and started to pray.

"You belong to the Peacecraft nation, you fool." Relena gave him that silly determined look of hers.

Zech's eyes lit up and his voice grew excited."I belong to the Peacecraft nation! Yay!"

Noin tried to curl up into a ball.

Zechs blinked, then looked about the room. "Relena… why am I here?…and why is Noin trying to hide behind that sofa?"

Noin's face appeared above the couch."…you're back to normal?"

Zech's raised an eyebrow."I'm not hiding behind a sofa."

Noin got out from behind the furniture,grabbed him by the hair, and started to march out the door. 

"_I'm_ not the eating unsafe amounts of dried wheat._I'm_ not the one talking to llamas._I'm_ not the one who thinks my name is Noin Lucrezia instead of Lucrezia Noin._I'm_ not the one who doesn't recognize my own siblings! _I'm_ not the one _looking for a colony **that doesn't bloody exist!**_"

"Why?" Asked Zechs, "was Relena doing that?"


	2. Zechs' Colony II (Or: DYLYLNTGACM Dried ...

ZECHS' COLONY II

AKA YOU DIDN'T LEARN YOUR LESSON—DON'T GIVE CRAZY MEN DRIED WHEAT!

  
The year is After Colony 198.Just when you thought all was well in the Earth Sphere Unified Nation, one man cannot find his colony… again.He will talk to insane priestesses, dinosaurs and desk lamps to find out where it is… and so, our story, sadly, begins anew…

"Off my colony!"

_This sounds familiar_.Thought Shini, and then responded, "this is L2! This ain't your colony!"

Zechs looked confused, then wandered away.Shini's hand was on her phone in no time, but before she could dial Noin called her name.

"Shini! He ate the wheat again!"

Surprised, Shini turned, lost her hold on the phone, and Noin received the full force of a Nokia to the head.

_What…. AGAIN?_

"Where'd he go this time?" Noin panted, trying to breathe and relieve her head of some spare plastic bits at the same time. 

"He went…" Shini rolled her eyes, "looking for his colony._Again_."

"Oh, no."Noin said."All this because of that damn shipment of wheat."

Noin ran off and Wufei came up.

"I forget my lines. Honor. Justice. Nataku."

"That's okay.We all know that all you do is wonder…"

"Oh, yes!Why has the honorable Zechs gone looking for his colony again?" Grinned Wufei.

Shini shrank back.Wufei with a smile on his face was pretty much enough to make even the bravest soldiers run for cover."He ate the LSD wheat again.I don't know where he got it from."

"Okay. Nataku." Wufei grinned again, turned on his heel, and marched away.

"Have you seen my colony?" Zechs inquired of the llama.

"Por el segundo tiempo, Señor Pelo, no, no me miro el colonia estupida de usted. ¿Tal vez quiren un poco mas de trigo secarle?" Said the llama.

(For the second time, Mister Hair, I haven't seen your stupid colony.Perhaps you would care for a little more dried wheat?)

Zechs nodded. "Of course."

Noin stomped in an angry circle around Shini.

"DAMN HIM! HE ATE MORE DRIED WHEAT!"

"I thought we already knew that and weren't going to be upset over it."Mused Shini.

Noin tried to pick up Shini by the front of her vest.It didn't work because a) Shini was taller than Noin, and b) Shini was 150 pounds of Eternal, and you didn't jerk people like that around unless _you_ were 151 pounds of Eternal."_You_ try and explain this to Relena._You_ track him all over the damn World Nation! _You_… _you_… _you_…"

Shini rather admired Noin's use of the word 'damn'.She calmly removed Noin's hand from her collar and sighed."No sweat.Mind if I kill her while I'm at it?"

Noin's expression went blank."WHY IN HELL DID I ASK _YOU_ FOR HELP?!" 

Shini shrugged."I'm a Duo fan.I'm not especially fond of Relena and you know it."

Noin shook her head."Okay, tell you what…"

"Excuse me.I was wondering if you could help me look for my colony."

The gas station man looked up."Do you need a map?"

"That would be helpful."

"Are you sure you're lost?"

"I am very lost.I cannot find my colony."

Now, let it be known that this was a different gas station with a different gas station attendant.The gas station the drugged Zechs had visited before had been twenty minutes down the right road to Relena's mansion; this gas station was twenty minutes down the left road.

"You're on Earth, sonny."

"I need to find my colony."

"The colonies are in outer space."

"How do I get to outer space?Do you have a map?"

The attendant examined Zechs' face."Do you have a name?"

"I'm not entirely sure.I think my name is Chang Kushrenada.You may call me Rashid." Zechs paused."I can't find my colony.It is beginning to bother me."

It was just then that something the attendant's father had told him a month ago clicked into his head: _if Millarido Peacecraft comes in looking like he's drugged, tell his sister._

"Twenty minutes down the road to right.You'll come across a big shiny building.Ask for Relena."

"Who is Relena?"

"Your sister."

"Which one? I have twenty-nine."

"What's your name, son?"

Zechs thought for a minute."My name… is Quarte Mariemaea Yuy."

"I thought so.Go see Relena."

Noin and Shini were still arguing over who was going to call Relena this time.

"_I did it last time!_" Noin protested.

"I'm not a Gundam Wing character in the first place!" Shini shouted. 

Noin pointed her gun at Shini.

Shini raised an energy ball to Noin's face.

"Maybe we shouldn't call her."

"Maybe we shouldn't."

On his way to Relena's mansion, Zechs stepped into a puddle.It wasn't a very big puddle, but that doesn't matter since it was The Puddle.Shini had been wandering around to do various silly but rather important to the flow of the Elements in time things, and so she had accidentally left one of her portals open.

Now, everyone knows that people who use the Water Element generally make their marks rather wet and watery.

Puddles are very wet and very watery. 

Zechs found himself looking at a velocaraptor.It looked as if it was going to chew his head off.Which, of course, it _was_, but only after it had ripped him apart with it's talons.

"Hi.Have you seen my colony?"

The dinosaur made some sort of very mean growling noise. 

"Did I come at a bad time?Maybe you could tell me where Relena is.She knows where my colony is."

The raptor roared.

"I'm sorry.Are you having a bad day?"

Shini's eyes widened.The miko suddenly grew very animated and jumped up and down, shouting, "I forgot to close it!!!!"

Noin woke up from a sound sleep and said, "What?"

"I FORGOT TO CLOSE MY TIME PORTAL!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What's so special about that?" Noin asked. 

It was Shini's turn to grab Noin by the shirt.She was able to lift Noin off the ground."…because…the portal… was… ON THE ROAD TO RELENA'S PLACE!!!!!!!!!!! AND ZECHS JUST FELL THROUGH IT!!!!!!!!!" 

Noin jumped to her feet."Dammit, Shini!"

"I'll be RIGHT BACK!"Shini's form rippled and disappeared.Noin looked around, sighed, and went back to sleep."I guess there's no use worrying about it…"

Shini materialized somewhere in the Jurassic era to find Zechs hugging a velocaraptor and saying, "there, there.I understand.Life is just like that sometimes.Okay?"

The miko stood there.

"Here.When you want to hide you just put on this mask, okay?"

The dinosaur nodded miserably.

"There you go, then."

Shini shook her head,pointed at Zechs and began one of her famous chants.

Out of sight, Zechs landed in a muddy patch of dirt outside Relena's mansion.

Zechs, now dirty, smelling of dinosaur and obviously high on dried wheat, consulted Relena's desk lamp.

"Do _you_ know where my colony is?"

The desk lamp sat there. 

"Are you _sure_?"

The desk lamp sat there.

"Really?"

The desk lamp sat there.

"Millairdo.For the second time over, you belong to nation of Peacecraft, and you do not have a colony!" Relena yelled. 

Zechs blinked. 

"Hi, Relena." He turned around and patted her on the head on the way out. 

Behind him, Relena screamed, first in anger and then in realization he had dropped mud into her hair.

Noin and Shini were still arguing when the phone rang.Shini picked it up, and held it away from her hair immediately.Covering the receiver with her hand, she whispered, "it's for you."

Noin took it and put up with Relena bashing her for a few minutes. 

"WHAT HAPPENED?MY BROTHER WALKED IN COVERED IN DIRT AND HE WAS INQUIRING OF MY DESK LAMP _WHERE HIS COLONY WAS__!IF THIS HAPPENS ONE MORE TIME I WILL CUT PEACECRAFT FUNDING TO THE TERRAFORMING PROJECT! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?"_

Noin grimaced."Yes, Miss Relena.I will certainly be sure to tell your brother not to… eat… dried wheat…" Noin punched the 'end' button.

Zechs waved. "Hey, Noin.That next shipment of wheat is coming in at five.Are you ready?"

Noin stared at him."No.Are you?"

He gave her one of those 'what?' looks."Noin… what's the matter?"

Okay, okay I apologize that that one wasn't as good as the first.But it's leading up to another (wild cheering) which is gonna be _real funny, I promise!!To be continued in…_

ZECHS' COLONY III

AKA WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE A CRAZY MAN DRIED WHEAT AND A BEAM CANON!


End file.
